1. My father taught me something crucial--an idea that is fundamental in a relationship: understanding that working together is something you do for someone you love. And my dad taught me never to feel that gripping the handle of a vacuum cleaner or picking up a dish towel was less than manly.
When we worked on the farm, dad used specific moments to reinforce that idea. For example, whenever my mother drove a wheat truck, when we both were busy with equipment and doing other things, he would show me how mom helped us and how we needed to do the same. Mom would bring us meals to the field, and it was never a simple meal. There were always things that tasted so incredible, and it was warm. Mom would wrap everything in newspaper, which kept chilled things cold and hot things warm. Everything was always the perfect temperature.
I've done what my father suggested, and some of my favorite moments have found my Annie and me in spots where we did things together, whether it was preparing meals--both simple and complex, or whether it was cleaning dishes--both small and more time-consuming. Being together and working that way was something we just did.
It's how things work.
2. Respecting in-laws was something my wife found easy to do, because she has always treated everyone with respect. It was her trademark as a teacher. The only educators who ever had issues with my Sweetie were people who needed to have issues. They wanted to be difficult, but my Annie never game them the satisfaction.
She understood that retaliation through an angry reaction just made her a mirror image of those who created problems. My Annie took the higher ground.
When it comes to things at work, occasionally, Ann waited until we were home from a restaurant or a movie, and then she'll say something like, "You know that teacher, whom we met, who acted so strangely? That was the one I told you about."
I never forget a face, and after the initial message of just what they did so rudely, I usually react like Ann knows I will. It's why she never tells me until I am far enough away. Ann also makes me promise that I will not embarrass her by telling them what is on my mind. I love my Sweetheart, and so I do not retaliate, but if they are stupid enough to do something rudely in front of me, I figure the deal's off.
And like my father taught me from his example, I never accept anyone treating my wife disrespectfully in my presence. Dad never allowed anyone to do that with his mother or wife. Dad was the ultimate example of what a male should teach his son.
3. In reference to my wife refusing to be negative with those who are difficult at work. People, who react in a positive way, like my wife, are in a small minority, and in the work Ann does now at the state level, her reputation is one of being able to work with anyone, regardless how impossible the task seems. Respecting people is what she does. It's another reason I love her.
It's also a reason it was never difficult to treat my in-laws so well. She treated my family respectfully, and I have done the same thing.
4. Holding hands is something I have not done as much since being very sick. It's not that I don't love her like I always have. It's because I'm afraid of falling and making both of us hit the ground, and that's not a joke on my part. I tend to trip, but I usually catch myself, but when I don't, I make a big splash.
It scares those who see it, like the time my grandson Jack saw me fall in the garage.
Between chemo and my need to play football in high school, the two things left me in a horrible physical condition.
5. But public displays of affection occasionally happen spontaneously from me. I love road trips with my Sweetie, and when we're on the road, regardless whether it's a long drive or just a short distance to the store, I often enjoy taking her hand in mine before I kiss it and nibble at the knuckles ever so tenderly. It makes her giggle, kind of nervously. "Don't be so soft," she says to me, but I think she likes it. Holding her hand isn't out of the question either. Being near her always made me feel like static electricity. I'm still not too old for that kind of electrical shock.
Few people understand that my feelings were like that, because I always kept them to myself. Most people laugh at the notion of my being "sensitive." But crying is something I never do, except when Wingers took the paddy melt off the menu. Now that was an emotional moment.
I don't do things that embarrass my wife publicly like I once did. There was this time when Ann and I were with some German exchange teachers in Logan at a large convenience store. A song began playing, and I took my Annie in my arms and started to dance in the aisle. It was a funny moment rather than a romantic scene. We have always had fun together.
6. Working at a marriage is essential, but I never considered it a job. It was something I did, because it was just plain fun. Being together is what we prefer.
Having fun together was something we've done on multiple continents and during every moment of our marriage, like in this picture at the German-American Volksfest in Berlin in the early 80's.
Sometimes situations weren't all that fun, but my Annie always helped made it that way.
7. Sometimes marriage is one hell of a roller coaster ride, and making it even more complex is the fact that my Sweetie and I have similar ancestry: Welsh and Scandinavian. Between the Druids and the Vikings, there are rare moments when we decide that a line has to be drawn in the sand, but it is not something that happens frequently.
Maybe the fact that we both "air" feelings openly and honestly is why our relationship remains healthy. However, part of what makes our marriage work is the fact that our love for each other never makes it worth hurting each other in order to be "right" about something.
Maybe that's why our marriage remains so strong, because we "air out" differences when they happen, yet both of us are careful when we etch the mark between us in the sand.
Ironically, after 36 years, I actually look forward to my Sweetie "damning me all to hell," because sometimes it happens when I tease her, and besides, anyone who knows me also knows I need it on occasion, but those people who know me very well also know how tender I am in regards to any type of discussion about my Annie. It's because those people, who know me well, have also seen me deal with people and situations, when I was very clear about telling someone the path they should take to the "netherworld." I was never hesitant or incapable of giving a person an idea of just what was on my mind.
It's important to understand what the two of us have learned during this incredible 36-year journey: just because we have a difference of opinion doesn't mean we need counseling. Besides, I apologize quickly during rare occasions when we have different points of view, even if I think I'm right, because again, hurting someone you love isn't worth that silly type of satisfaction.
8. Surprising her is something I enjoy, but I married someone who is very "low-maintenance." She not only does not like me spending money to impress her, but she also finds it irritating, so my best surprise is going to a movie or visiting a favorite restaurant or writing her a love poem.
The last option is what she prefers. I do it every Valentine's Day and try to write something on her birthday as well. I enjoy giving her roses, but she doesn't like that either.
Pretentious is worth an ounce of horse manure is not just a quote from one of her favorite movies, but it is also something that defines her. Her philosophy is this: is what you do something you do to impress me, or is it something you need to do to impress other people?
I find it difficult, but I do as she wishes.
Funny thing is how she surprises me. She once surprised me with a trip to Greece. Then there were the many trips to California, and even though my compulsion to buy 60's music is an irritation, she still does it for me. She does it because she loves me, and we do things like that for each other.
I'm just glad we traveled when we did, a time when we both were able to walk without physical problems that limited mobility. Now just being with grandchildren or just sitting down to watch something together is a great moment during any day.
9. Giving her hugs is such a simple thing, but I do it, so that she never questions how much I love her.
This picture is the low point of my life. I knew I was in trouble when my Annie tried to cheer me up with a new release of John Lennon's accoustic works, and I asked her to take it back, because I really didn't need any more music. Now I can't believe I said that, but at the time, I was very sick. I was very sad at the thought of what might happen.
My doctor, who by the way was also a very good friend, gave me two weeks to two months. When being frank about my situation at that time, he had tears in his eyes.
My Annie never gave up on me, and in spite of how depressed I was during that battle with cancer, I refused to give up--not because I was afraid of death, but because I couldn't bear the thought of being without my Sweetheart for any time at all, and besides I still live with the hope that I will survive to be there for her like she was for me during those "dark times."
10. Giving hugs is what you do when you love someone. Walter Mathau once described how he would raise children: "Cover then with kisses and
smother them with love."
That's pretty much my mission statement. It's how I treat my soul mate, and it's how I relate to my beautiful grandchildren as well.
People who talk schedules or checklists, when it comes to expressing love in an intimate way, need some serious counseling. They should stick to raising house pets, because being a slave to some list like that is like not hugging your Sweetheart at all.
I do it because I love her, and I do it as often as I can, because I love her.
Our favorite recording artist Neil Young once wrote: "To give a love, you've got to live a love. To live a love, you've got to be part of."
It's what you do when you love someone.
11. I don't know if I changed my Sweetie, because I loved her as long as I can remember, and at my age, the remember thing should be a challenge, but I still have a long memory, and I know this: she forever changed my life in so many ways. Being with her is like a part of heaven.
And how did my Sweetie change my life? Her manner has taught me to maintain a positive stance in the face of insurmountable reasons to do otherwise. It's what she does, and it's what she encourages me to do.
The worst difference of opinion we ever had was when she encouraged me to complete a MA degree in English rather than mess with simple college credits that didn't apply to that goal. She was out of patience with my taking classes merely climbing a bit higher on a salary schedule. They were credits that meant little if anything at all, especially if you changed districts or ever earned a higher degree.
She was right, and my MA degree in English changed my career.
Education is such an incredible force for good. People always encouraged me to do it, but my Sweetheart was always there to ensure that I actually did it.
12. Every day I feel overwhelmed at how blessed I am to have her in my life. I realize during every waking moment why I love her.
It's the look she gives me first thing in the morning. There is no question in my mind, and she doesn't have to say anything, because I know she loves me.
It's the concern she has for me. It's the look in her eyes when she looks at me.
It's the hope she has that I will always be here for her. Those are things that helped me stay alive when the Grim Reaper had his grip on the rear pockets of my jeans.
13. But there is one more thing that is important to consider. Treating her well is something I hope I do every minute. It's because it's what I choose to do. It's what my father taught me to do as I watched him create a loving relationship with my mother.
14. And because I'm Welsh, I'm also a bit superstitious, so I can't end this list with just an unlucky number of items. Doing all these things is not a sacrifice. It's what you do when two people love each other.
A bad dream roused me out of sleep twice: once at 3:15 a.m. and a second time two hours later. By then, I couldn't go back to sleep.
